No joy ride but...

You want to have a slice of Chennai, take the metro bus. Countless friends have asked me why I commute the hard way everyday. Apart from the fear of ending up as a plus mark on one of the city roads, despite all the inconvenience, the bus is entertaining.

Take yesterday for example, after a tiring day at work and an even more tiring wait at the bus stop; I finally got into a bus from CMBT heading towards Guduwancherri. It was one of those day where the Gods are playing cards or something and so don't waste time showing mercy. So, I didn't get a seat. Even as I was hanging on for dear life as the driver was testing the durability of the breaks, the sheer variety of life around me was quite over powering. Two college girls engaged in idle chatter in their typical, "no-yaaar-i-prefer-mobile-phones-with-glitters" conversation. Apart from the faint smile they elicited in me, they were completely worthless in substance. So, I scanned the confines of the bus for another interesting character. There was this smart guy down the narrow passage, who was cool to the eye but hard on sensibility. He was crooning to some darling over the other of the phone in a baby voice. Boy, isn't there a place for such things.

Next in line were two old men. Thankfully they didn't have cellphones and so were communicating the old way-facing each other and talking. They were of course talking about the Ps - pension and politics. Just ahead of me were two working woman. They were still wearing their ID tags and so I know they are from Covansys. I wanted to ask them the trick of wearing ID tags. I hate wearing mine even inside the office and feel thats its too heavy and bulky for my liking. Had I asked they would have known that my brain is pickling, so I just listened and soon enough I know they are paying housing loans, their company still follows slavery and every other woman apart from these two angels in Covansys is a b****. In between all this one of their husband had the gal to call and got a curt, "feed the kid and put him to sleep" reply. After some time my ears were buzzing so I moved on.

A daily wages laborer was throwing a tantrum that the bus wasn't moving fast enough and her husband and baby boy of 23 will be waiting in hunger. Ever eager to set the record straight, the conductor dove in and said that if the traffic wouldn't budge, its not his problem. To this he got a cool "if you guys don't drive properly, why wouldn't there be traffic hold ups" reply at which point the conductor decided he would doze rather than talk. One of the woman asked the lady how she got the scars on her face and promptly they settled into comparing war injuries. All this was just too much for me and I was begining to cling to a pole and close my weary eyes when I opened them startled. The women was saying, "these scars are from my husband when he hit me. Nothing wrong with that though, I deserved it you know."

I tried thinking for a while but then gave up. what the hell! its not me anyway.

Fist full of stars

Have you ever stood somewhere, forgotten where or who you are and just been there in that place at that moment aware of the distinct smell, sound and view of that place? If you have, then have you tried something like an antithesis to this? I mean have you ever imagined a place and imagined its smell, sound and view?

I have and believe me its a wonderful experience. We wake up eat, work, sleep and count our money and do a few other things like building houses, buying stocks, and making babies. For a change why not live in an imaginary world at least for a few minutes? I did and it was like a new door had opened stepping out of which you can grab a fist full of stars, make the Meadows bloom in a second and ask the sea to take a breather.

Its not that hard really. I believe that one of the reasons books are still sold in millions is because they give us the right to imagine whatever we read. But you see something for real and that image takes over. How many of us see Daniel Radcliff every time we read Harry Potter? All of us who saw the movies isn't it?

By the way, don't go overboard. a small dose of imagination may keep the shrink away but too much of it, you definitely need to see one.

Are we HOMO sapience?

This blog is the product of an other interesting blog a friend of mine wrote on homosexuality (http://pidog-thelordspeaks.blogspot.com/). That set me thinking and as you all know me by now promptly came up with a list of questions and possible answers that came to my mind.

Whats unusual about homosexuality?

Apparently nothing. I am sure that if 90% of the population was made of homosexuals, then the heterosexuals will be the ones who will be persecuted. People will say things like, "you know can you imagine, he made out with a girl; yikes, how disgusting!" hahaha! writing this blog is fun.

Whats the link between sex and love?

In truth, a lot. In recent times, sex and sometimes love in itself is reduced to hormone induced urges. Come on we aren't still primates, though they might have more sense than us. Why cant we give ourselves due credit and say that we love someone because they are our ideal company with whom we dare to be our naked selves (figuratively and literally) and we crave to get as close as we can with them at an emotional level. Sex independent of love is just a basic human need that frankly we don't need someone else to satisfy. If you don't know this, then I would say you had the perfect education in a perfect school.

Why the discrimination?

This is a difficult question to answer for me. But then I pulled a few specimens from society and came up with some brilliant but not sure if true answers.

Because according to the champions of the human race, its nonproductive (I don't believe this. Some part of man did remain unevolved.)
Because its unhealthy (well, smoking, drinking, eating junk food, staring at a computer for long hours and so much more are unhealthy.)
Because its the antithesis of family (If gay and lesbians can marry, I am sure they will make as good or rather as bad as any other family.)
Because its against religion (whats wrong with being against religion. By the way, I don't think any God said anything about this. Not even the ten commandments.)
Because its against nature (says who. Nature allows for a lot of diversity in everything and it if it wasn't natural, then we wont have it today.)

Are woman sensitive to this more than men?

Maybe, most writings on homosexuality is by woman. I believe they are more true to emotions than men. But if you want a Freudian kind of logic it would be something like 'all woman dream of being a man and fantasising about sex with themselves as a man is a favourite past time.' I can hear rotten tomatoes swishing through the air.

Please ladies, I didn't say that logic was right.

Ode to villany

I have five beginings for five different stories and I cant make my mind as to what to concentrate on. For once I wish I am Ravana (u need more brains to write than hands). Talking of which something just hit me.

Ravana, even though he was the bad guy was still portrayed as a nice demon who prayed, took care of his people and was in every way as good as Ram except for the fact that he was obsessed with Sita and was too egoistical to confess that he was going nowhere with her anyway. Even the Mahabaratha for its hundreds of villains portrays people as those who chose their side wrongly than as die hard villains. Even Duriyodhana had his redeeming qualities. His defense of Karna against social stigma is a fine example. By the way, if not for his greed, he would have been a good ruler possibly better than the ever preaching Yudishtira.

Comparing them with the current crop of fictious villains, these guys almost look like saints. At least they weren't sadists. Of the few Tamil movies I see, most of the villains are typecast as psychotic. Either he is traumatised by his past, or he is gay, or he is mentally unhinged. Even females who do negative roles are made as if their brain was too lazy to grow. Why the stereotype? Can't a normal man or woman make a choice that makes him a villain.

Even more interesting, why aren't the heroes from the fringes of society? Why isn't a disabled, sick or a mentally unstable person dealing with his problems a hero? Why is a man who isnt a gay but right in every otherway a hero? Even if they are the heroes (like black) why are they still treated as emotional dependents?

It's time someone gave respect to the villains. Why should someone be senseless to be a villain? Why do we always need an excuse to be a villain? After all, when we walk away from a man hurt on the road, to him we are a villain. When we throw everyones wishes to the wind and do what we want in life, we are the villains in all their lives. We are all villains in some way or the other. Whats wrong with that? We dont need a excuse for villany.

Probably, I haven't seen enough regional movies to judge but those I have seen are to be blamed for that. I have made up my mind. I am writing my own stories. They at least please me.

Saiyuki again

"If you meet the Buddha, kill the Buddha,
If you meet your father, kill your father
Free of everything, you are bound by nothing
live the life that is given to you"

This is not some holy book talking about karma. Its from a badly made anime that attempts but fails miserably to be moralistic. Nevertheless, in a twisted sense, it does make sense and when I am skewed, I need such even more skewed quotes to strengthen my faith and hope in life.

I was depressed, depressed, depressed; boy! I am so used to this feeling that I know exactly when it starts. So what do I do? I watch reruns. And what better rerun than Saiyuki. I know whoever is reading this should feel like strangling me but before I die let me say it to my hearts content. "Saiyuki, saiyuki, saiyuki..."

This anime has taught me the biggest lesson in writing. Never mind the story, never mind the settings, never mind the quality; if the characterization could touch an emotional cord, then you have a winner. Saiyuki is the best example. Most of the time, the drawings are like that of a 3 year old gleefully scribbling over the screen with no specific inspiration in mind. The animation is crude with the characters posing for web tops more often that moving at all. A single line plot that even Son Goku would mock at. The setting is down right stupid and timeless in the sense that one minute its the ancient times when they dressed like museum pieces and the next you are watching an advanced scientific experiment complete with lots and lots of wires and tubes running around like a scifi.

But why do people still watch it? Coz it shows deranged men who are very near their emotional doomsday rise up to survive when threatened. Well the rest of the time they bicker but still someone had a spark of brilliance when they came up with these characters.

I wish I get a spark like that and also some more sense to do justice to it.

The shape of my heart

The shape of my heart, or rather head that acts like a turbulent sea during an emotional storm, is a box. Its not just a box but a series of boxes. Every time I meet someone and get to know them enough to save in memory, they get a box; sort of a welcome kit. I put their specific content in the box and file it away. Now an important property of this box is that it can expand if the relationship grows; a phenomenon that rarely happens but when it does, I need the box to grow.

I notice that most people tend to try and replace people in their hearts (figurative). Now, there are two major disadvantages to this.

• People already living in a plot wont like to quit. Ever tried to break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend and start afresh?


• The unreasonable expectation that the person replacing the old one should fit into the space given for the previous owner.

I found this system too boring and annoyingly inefficient. So I came up with the infinity box system. All I have to do is create a new box and put them in there. The advantages of this system are:

• You don't have to go to the trouble of hating someone or forgetting someone to create space inside one box.


• When you want to ignore someone you just don't look up their box.


• The organized boxes make it possible to keep relationships independent of each other. You don't have to follow the "my friends enemy is my enemy" rule.


• Even though you keep relationships in a box, you are not inside a box. You are free and infinite like what we call God.

Now there is just one question you all want to know right? Where is the space? Well there is a whole lot of space left barren while we put ourselves inside the same single box with everyone else. Out of it you are free to govern your relationships with a clear head.

Birthday!

Yesterday was a great day for me. I finally learnt to celebrate my own life. Though it was nice when friends and family wished me well, the most happiest moment was when I sat down for dinner with the most charming person I had ever known. The food was great and the company was even better.

This person thinks like me and shares my passions. With an unfailing sense of humor, the half an hour we spent was the most entertaining part of the day. I decided then and there that come what may, this person is going to stay with me for life. I proposed and like all true love my darling agreed to be there for me, all the time and never leave my side. To celebrate our agreement, we sang "happy birthday to me" over my favorite Ice cream, chocolate.

I got a few curious glances when I smiled to myself all the while. But who gives a damn anyway; I finally learnt that I am my own best friend.

Who wants to be happy?

I discovered a surprising fact yesterday. Given a choice to write the script for their own life, very few actually make it sweet and sugary. After all how many of us say that we want to sit in a big house with a cool spouse and everything we want and live life happily ever after. Very few if you ask me. Some of the prefered story lines range from that of a king who fights and wins grim battles. A highflying (literally) superhero who fight vicious villains and of course wins in the end to down right smart heroes and heroines who start out as paupers and later on struggle to make it big. My personal favourite is to live in a well-stocked (with food) library that has all the books in the world and a life time to read all of them; though not many share my down right boring preferences.

I believe that the underlying difference between existing and living is a kind of awareness towards ourselves and whats around us which results in an urge to change. What makes people to be so alive in their dreams and merely exist in reality? Is it the shackes of society that would laugh at someone who would wear a unique costume and fight crime? Is it the belief that dreams are the opposite of reality?

By the way, if no one seems to be satisfied with having everything they want, then what does make us happy? Is it owning what we want or is it doing what we want?

Guess thats questions enough for a day.

Long live saiyuki!

After a week of agonizing emptiness that followed after breaking up with the only sentimental attachment I have ever formed with a fellow human being in many years, finally I am back on track. Its good to get back to the "yeah yeah yeah! whatever (yawn)" mode and it feels like heaven.

After aggressively arguing that its all my fault, the source for all my troubles came back one full circle and we are back on talking terms. Strangely, i don't feel bitter. Now it all seems like its for the best. I feel free, liberated and happy again. No worries, but just living my life each day at a time. In fact the more I talk to him the more I feel an urge to do something nice for him.

But still this is not the most important thing in life now. Whats important is Saiyuki. Boy what a show. I completed watching all the episodes of saiyuki and it was soooooo cooool! Wish I can wander the earth like the guys, albeit with better company. But there is something about tortured souls with attitude that is simply irresistible to my gloomy head.

Now that I have seen em all, i am going to see them again and again and again.....

Diwali!

Tomorrow is Diwali, although I am not celebrating this year as a mark of respect to my grandma who passed way recently, I can still feel the nervous energy festivals like Diwali bring.

The festival of light, the most expensive Indian festival and a diabetic's nightmare - what makes this festival so special that it has surpassed all other festivals in their pomp and splendour. I guess the answer is its pure fun. It has a bit for everyone, sweets, cloths, crackers all the vices in one shot. It gives license to enjoy and celebrate life without inhibitions. I opens our hearts to see everyone in a friendly light. Not to mention the lights, not the artificial ones that camouflage darkness but the small oil lamps made of the earth with their small specks of light bravely carving a space for itself in the dark. I always liked to watch these little lamps, the shifting trance like dance between light and dark. It never fails to remind me of our own internal struggles.

After all life is like that isn't it. Its not about covering up the worst sides of ourselves but with facing our own demons and fighting for our beliefs, no matter what the world says.


By the way, 'tamaso ma jyotirgamaya' doesn't it sound like 'let there be light'?

Adoption or adaption

When I tell people that I want to adopt a kid rather than have one on my own the response is invariably one of the two, "do you think you are mother Theresa?" or "do you have a psychological problem?" Boy! what a world. Here i am trying to do myself and someone else a favour and look what people say? "Whats your problem? Why should you pay for someone else's mistakes?" Well, when did the biggest obsession since food become a mistake. Problem is most think that majority is right, if you aren't in the majority you are wrong.

For this I am branded as a weirdo or a smart ass who is making a mistake and doesn't know it yet. Well, first of all, why is having a baby on your own different from adopting a baby? Except for your genes which don't count much anyway what else is unique about the baby you chuck out on your own into the world. One of the weirdest and popular answers I have hard so far is "the pleasure of bearing a child for 10 months and then giving birth to a life is special." Tell this to a woman suffering from morning sickness for ten months, tell that to a woman who is almost dying in the process of giving birth. Which moron decided that its pleasure? If you can't see the life that is already around you, what makes you eligible to create one on your own?

Another popular answer is "my children are always special to me because they are mine". I can see where such parents are heading. Exactly fifteen years down the line, they will be going into cardiac arrest when their son or daughter come home with a date. They are mostly the kind who treat children like property, 'we made you so we own you' types.

A very popular answer with the ladies and a surprising large number of men too is, "a woman is complete only when she becomes a mother." Boy! then what are we till then? and what about woman who cannot or don't? There is only one response I ever give to this statement and thats a good laugh.

What I don't understand is, when you can love a stranger enough to sleep with him or her, why cant you love and care for a child who doesn't have a home.

One of the most funny answers I have heard though is this "because that's what everyone does". The person who gave me this answer went on explain that if 99.9% of the population does that then it should be the right choice and since no one adopts, it should be wrong.

I never dreamt of arguing with this guy because I was afraid. A few words with this species could cause damage to your mind you know.

What am I doing?

Sometimes, even the most ardent pessimist can slip his guard and just for a moment become optimistic. I have never been one to believe that love is all that people say it is. At least not the street variety sold on the streets everyday. But even geniuses make mistakes.

Last week my parents brought home a prospective groom who looked sane enough at first glance. He seemed to really like me and so I took it upon myself to call him and tell him that I am not the "athaan, ungalukkaga naan uyirayae kodupaen kind" and that I would love to adopt a baby and see the world and live a good life. And if he is okay with such an attitude he may proceed. He was surprised but said he expects love and understanding and support in his endeavours from me and the rest is my wish. I was really impressed.

That night we talked and the next day too. He said he really loves me and would never force me into anything even though his parents may not like the adoption idea. I told him that if he is okay with it, then we can face the problems later. He said its fine with him and laid the foundation for us talking even more and I even went out with him twice. Meanwhile, he conveniently chose to tell my ideas to his mother.

After two weeks, he comes back and says, "you give up on your adoption plans and only then I can marry you." I was flabbergasted and I asked him why he agreed in the first place. Pat came the reply, "I thought I can convince you." Till then I never thought I can fall in and out of love so fast.

I think I made the worst mistake in my life by falling for a moron like that and now, if only I can find a way out.

I will :-) I always have.